Ask an International Guy of Mystery

Dear International Guy of Mystery,

If Hemingway were alive today, and especially since the US is beginning a new relationship with Cuba, what would he be writing about?

Xavier Onassis, Wren, Oregon

Dear Xavier,

Hemingway's heroes suffered from wounded genitalia, for which they drank Pernod, ate olives, and sometimes wore tight matador pants. If Papa H were alive today he would be convinced that, in addition to Erectile Dysfunction, he had Irritable Bowel Syndrome and that breathing problem with the elephant. He might consider friends like Scott Fitzgerald to have Irritable Erection Syndrome (AKA Annoying Prick Syndrome). Friends learning of his injuries would still cry, "Que mala fortuna! Que mala fortuna!" To which he might reply, "Tuna? I thought I ordered marlin."