Special Writing Conference Advice!
Dear International Guy of Mystery,
I’m thinking of attending a writing conference, but I don’t
know if anybody there would be smart enough to recognize the unique genius of
my work. If I decide to go, how can I get the most out of it? Besides selling
the novel, I was kind of hoping to have sex.
Hesitant from Hillsboro, Oregon
Dear Hesitant,
If your aim is to stand out as a genius, which is something
that I have done successfully at various conferences, I’m going to let you in
some secrets. The most important word bears repeating: Prepare, Prepare,
Prepare!
About two weeks before the event:
1.
Study the website carefully and learn as much as
you can about the agents or editors you plan to see. Impress them by saying you
know exactly where they live and what their children’s names and ages are and
where they go to school.
2.
Stop bathing: A literary genius rarely bathes,
and agents know this from experience. Don’t shower, brush your teeth, or change
your clothes for at least two weeks. Wear something slovenly and intentionally
out of fashion, which says that you are beyond mere fashion.
3.
Carry a hip flask of Southern Comfort and stay
tipsy during the conference. Raise your voice whenever an amusing thought
occurs to you. Interrupt speakers with disdainful remarks that exhibit your
intellectual superiority.
4.
Memorize your pitch, which could be as simple
as: This is a book that can make your career, and if you screw up and don’t
represent it, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Item two above may limit your auxiliary goal of having sex with a stranger, but you might encounter a kindred spirit. I suspect that you will easily find each other in the crowd!
International Guy of Mystery
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