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Dear Guy,
I've been reading Wallace Stegner's Wolf Willow, an autobiography tracing paths of his early life near Whitemud, Saskatchewan, Canada. It's a story about the landscape and history of the opening of the West. Do you know if Stegner ever asked his students (Edward Abbey, Wendell Berry, Ken Kesey, Sandra Day O'Connor and others) this question: "If a chicken-and-a-half lays an egg-and-a-half in a day-and-a-half, how many eggs will nine chickens lay in ten days?"
And what if he did: would you?
Joe Yak from East of Tomales

Dear Joe,
It was actually Stegner's student (Ken Kesey) who posed this question to another of the students you mention (Sandra Day O'Connor) to determine whether or not she could board the Magic Bus called Further. Her answer not only allowed her to ride the bus but has since been cited as a defining moment in Westward Expansion. Coincidentally, the bus driver (Neal Cassady) was asked by Kesey why he married a chicken, and Cassady replied, "Because I had to."
Would I? I think I'll brood on that for a while.
Guy

"Spell-binding! The Jaguar Tree is a splendid novel!"
Ernest Hemingway*






*(Probation officer, Bakersfield, CA)

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Dear Guy of Mystery,
One of my favorite authors is Joel Chandler Harris. Although I haven't actually read anything he wrote, I love the Uncle Remus stories. I guess they inspired Walt Disney's Song of the South. Imagine how pleased I was to hear Speaker of the House John Boehner singing Zip-a-dee-doo-dah as he addressed the nation to resign from his post! Is Boehner African-American? Has he played Uncle Remus in a theatrical production? I think he rocks! Does this have anything to do with his meeting the Pope?
Willy Nilly, Willamina, Oregon

Dear Willy Nilly,
Pope Francis must have influenced the Speaker in his resignation since Boehner kept weeping and confessing his many sins during their meeting. To my knowledge, he has never played Uncle Remus, although he and Mitch McConnell are said to have modeled their congressional careers after Brer Bear and Brer Fox. Song of the South paints a very jolly picture of the lives of Southern Blacks throughout the hundred or so happy years leading up to the early 1950s, and it's puzzling that Zip-a-dee-doo-dah never became as popular as, say, We Shall Overcome, during the Civil Rights movement. It's so catchy, and "Brer Boehner" sings it with panache.
Guy

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Hi, Guy,

Have you ever written a humorous essay about dental insurance? I ask because about 6000 Americans turn 65 every day of the year. Of those who retire only 33% continue to receive health benefits from their employer, and 75% of those do not get dental insurance.
Not funny, or what's the deal? Dental insurance is a rip-off, and it isn't really insurance at all. It's dollar trading.
Here's the deal. Most dental plans are capped at amounts slightly in excess of their annual premiums. For me the premium would amount to about $1500 for which I'd get a couple of cleanings. It would also cover partial payment toward restorative care and limited lifetime orthodontics, which I don't need.
Without a catastrophic benefit? Hel-lo-o, smash mouth. Catastrophic benefits are a key element of "true (real) insurance" plans.
Why pay a $1500 annual premium to get $350 worth of maintenance service when you can just pay cash for cleaning and spend the balance on green fees and beer with your golf buddies and get an earlier tee time than you know who?
Most health insurance plans cover serious accidental (catastrophic) injury to your natural teeth and also many of the more serious conditions that threaten healthy teeth and vision. What health insurance plans do not cover is routine dental maintenance services and hardware (rubber dams, veneer, whitening, mouth shellac, etc.).
I say you're than man who knows how to write about scandalous stuff and make it seem humorous. Bonus question: Candidate Donny Bob Trump is busting Carly Fiorina's chops about her face being "unelectable." What do you think, and is it covered by dental insurance?
Joe from East of Tomales (a man of simple requirements)


Dear Joe of East Tomales,

First of all, you don't really need teeth to eat tamales. Also, I don't personally find anything amusing about teeth, unless you have the wind-up kind for dentures. That always makes me titter. In my current dental plan, actually fixing teeth is considered "cosmetic" (like hair implants or a nose job). It's up to me as an independent American if I want to look good, and I accept that. My dentist gave me a coupon for a discount on a blender, so when I come home with that burger and fries I just drop them into the Osterizer and drink them. Voila! (I think the food processor is actually my catastrophic plan). I have absolute faith in the big insurance and pharmaceutical companies always looking out for us, and I'm sure that they'd like to get those early tee times as much as we would. Corporations are people, too, and they enjoy a beer and a laugh as much as the next guy.
And speaking of laughs and wags, Donald Trump's dry sense of humor, and his comment about Fiorina's looks, was just an indication of how perfect he would be communicating with other heads of state. Let's face it, Trump is the voice of the American right wing, and those who don't get his subtle, droll message are just dumb and ugly and stupid.
Guy

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Dear International Guy,
I'm confused because I heard from a friend in Des Moines that Donald Trump has won the Iowa Caucus, but I thought it hadn't happened yet. Am I right, or is he right?
Phil from Philomath, Oregon

Dear Phil,
I'd like to clear the air about this rumor: Trump won the Iowa Flatus (not Caucus) at the state fair this summer, an annual contest that follows pie-eating and swine judging. He blasted all competition in every category (auditory, olfactory, etc.), though many of his competitors are crying foul. Former winner Tommy "Toots" Thompson complained that nobody (judges, media, public) can tell the difference between Trump's speech and flatulence, so the competitors "didn't stand the chance of a fart in a tornado." Trump trumpeted back: "I'm probably a better person than you are."
I'd say you can't argue with success,can you?
Guy

"This Book is Selling Like Hotcakes!"
Jalal ad Din Rumi















Ask An International Guy of Mystery

Dear International Guy,
I've been a fan of yours for some time, and I know I'm not alone in appreciating your work, but I'm confused by some of the reviews I've seen posted online. Your three novels have received glowing responses from well-known writers, as I'm sure they must deserve, but it seems to me that the books were published after these reviewers had died. At the risk of sounding skeptical, can you explain to me how your books got such accolades from Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein, and Mahatma Gandhi?
Nan from Neskowin, Oregon

Dear Nan,
In one word: posthumously.
It's fairly common in publishing.
You have a great day,
Guy

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Dear International Guy,
In preparation for a vacation in Las Vegas I just read Play It As It Lays by Joan Didion. I didn't find this book very uplifting, nor did it reveal any good gambling secrets. Do you know what this book is about or, especially, any good tips for gambling? Didion made Vegas sound negative. I don't go with negative, I go with positive.
J. "Jack" Cass, Jacksonville, Oregon

Dear Jack Cass,
Play it as it Lays is a chilling novel about the barren and immoral environments of both Las Vegas and Hollywood back in the 60s. Since then Las Vegas has become one of the happiest places on earth, with rides and pyramids and castles, so don't let old sourpuss Joan keep you from wishing upon a star or your favorite combination of numbers. Besides, from Didion's book I think it's only negative for women, not men. When I was there I saw huge lines of men getting their paychecks at the Paychecks Only windows, so how negative is that?
I just returned from the PSWA convention at the Orleans Hotel in Vegas (if you haven't heard about this conference, I just don't know, I may have to unfriend you on Facebook), and I did hit upon a winning system after a great deal of experimentation. My initial mistake was to continue throwing money into a slot machine that had a sign above it saying, "Baldo Won $5,600!" After a few hours I felt cheated, even wondering if Baldo is a real name. Then I found a machine that was tucked away from the main casino floor, near the elevators to the guest rooms, and I WON EVERY TIME! Sometimes I hit and got a Snickers, sometimes a bag of Bugles, and once a roll of Lifesavers! I felt like Minnesota Fats, especially since I gained several pounds.
Viva Las Vegas, Jack,
Guy

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Dear Guy,
Can you explain to me what deja vu means? My uncle says it all the time. He spent years working a tungsten mine all by himself in Nevada, eating nothing but ramen noodles and cans of Dinty Moore beef stew while reading Robert Crais mystery novels. Does it have something to do with either of these things? He spent years all by himself working at a tungsten mine in Nevada where he ate ramen noodles with Dinty Moore beef stew and read Robert Crais novels. What does it mean?
Tyrone Chu Laces, Tigard, Oregon

Dear Tyrone,
Deja means leave it in Spanish, and I think vu might be some form of the word you or yours, so my guess is that deja vu means something like leave your stuff there. Or maybe leave it alone. I have to say that there's something about your uncle's story that intrigues me. When I read it I had this eerie feeling of having heard the whole thing before. Did I dream it? It seems like I might have overheard somebody at a bar in Nevada talking about a tungsten mine and noodles and stew and Robert Crais mystery novels. I have this feeling that it means something, but I can't put my finger on it. Oh, well, c'est la vie,
Guy